I went to kind of a
weird school. Well, go to, I guess, but not for much longer. After
classes, there are two club options. There’s the chess club, and
the football club. Most of us think that there ought to be more
options, but the teachers feel otherwise. We have an option to
exercise our bodies, and an option to exercise our minds, and they
don’t particularly want to spend money on any further options. I’m
in the chess club, which is by far the less popular of the two. There
are four of us, total. Most people prefer football to chess, it turns
out. Either that, or they picked football because their friends are
there. I have asthma, so I can’t really do a whole lot out there. I
prefer chess anyway, but it does get a little irritating. There are a
lot of people in the football club who say chess is boring. Not all
of them, but enough that it starts to hurt after a while. I tell them
that football is boring, but it doesn’t affect them the same way it
affects me. When fifty people are telling you your hobby is stupid
and four people are telling you it’s great, that’s a bit
different than if it’s the other way around, y’know? Which is
kind of why I’m going to kill myself.
“Stephen, you’d kill yourself over a game?” Yes, I absolutely would, for the same reason that a man would starve to death after going without food for one day- because it’s not just one day. A man starves after going without food for one day, and then another day, and then another day, and another day, and so on until it all adds up, you see? The people in the football club- they’re not trying to be mean. But the fact is, it adds up in the same way. It’s not just the game. I’ve always been the weird kid, and that’s fine, but life gets exhausting. When I say what I want to eat, I have a few people saying “oh, that sounds good,” and a whole freaking lot of people expressing shock and disbelief that I don’t eat bacon. When I haven’t seen a movie, whether it’s the latest hit or a well-known classic, people won’t let me rest in peace having different interests. People tell me not to let other people affect my life, but they can’t really say that when they don’t feel it. If I were to act like that towards them (which I wouldn’t anyway), they wouldn’t feel the same, because it’s one person. It’s not adding up for them. Everyone talks about the straw that breaks the camel’s back, but does anyone really get it?
If I were to tell
people about this ahead of time, they would try to talk me out of it.
They would ask about my family and friends. “Won’t your parents
be sad?” Of course they will. Mom and Dad, if you’re reading
this, I love you, and it isn’t your fault. There weren’t any
signs that you missed, there was nothing you could have done
differently. You were great parents. But not everyone is so lucky.
See, I don’t need to die. I’m not afraid of death, and I’d be
lying if I said I weren’t looking forward to getting some peace,
but I’m not killing myself because I’ve given up. I’m killing
myself for someone else.
You know Luke, yeah?
He’s one of the other guys from chess club, and he’s a heck of a
lot closer to suicide than I am. He’s been talking about it for
weeks, and I’ve seen him looking up stuff about it on his phone and
laptop. He’s not really even trying to hide it. He’s got a rough
situation at home. Everything’s adding up for me, but I’m a
stone. I can handle it, and I’ve got my parents to go to. He
doesn’t. He’s under a lot more than I am, and if things don’t
change, he’s going to crack. I can’t do anything for him. I’ve
already tried to support him, and it wasn’t enough. He’s already
over the edge. The only way that can change is if everyone changes,
all at once. But a post on Facebook doesn’t help either. People
don’t listen. Not unless something big happens. Something that will
get their attention. Someone has to actually die if anything’s
going to change, and it better not be him. So I’m going first, and
all of you in the football club? You better read this. You better pay
attention, and I hope things change. Luke, if you’re reading this,
I know you’ll be mad, but you need to keep living. If you don’t,
then this is for nothing, so stay alive. Things will get better.
Things will get better at school, you’ll be able to move out soon,
or even come stay with my parents if things get bad enough, so keep
living. You better be at my funeral. Mom and Dad, I know I already
said this, but this isn’t your fault, and I love you. I know you’re
also going to be hurt by this, but you’ll work through it. You have
less weighing on you than Luke does. Help him if he needs it. I love
you. Goodbye.
