A Starter's Guide to Politics, or, Politics for Dummies

"'Tradition:' one of those words conservative people use as a shortcut to thinking."
-Warren Ellis
"There exists in such a case a certain institution or law; let us say, for the sake of simplicity, a fence or gate erected across a road. The more modern type of reformer goes gaily up to it and says, 'I don’t see the use of this; let us clear it away.' To which the more intelligent type of reformer will do well to answer: 'If you don’t see the use of it, I certainly won’t let you clear it away. Go away and think. Then, when you can come back and tell me that you do see the use of it, I may allow you to destroy it.'"
-G.K. Chesterton
I started my blog almost ten and a half months ago. This being the case, I think it's about time for me to start telling you how to vote. Should you be liberal, or conservative? Republican, or democrat? Fortunately for you, I am here to provide answers to all of your political questions. At the end of this post, you will have been properly educated and will be ready to enter the political arena. Keep in mind that terminology and specifics will be geared towards Americans. However, even if you're not an American, I'm sure you can glean something from the wisdom in this post.

The first step is to pick a political affiliation. There are a few different methods for deciding which political party you'll be in. The first method is to pick the same party as your parents, friends, favorite celebrity, or another person that you like. This is a common method, and seems to work well for those who don't want to be too politically active. Another method is to choose the opposite of your parents, family, and friends. This option is good for people that want to be more active in the political arena, because it allows you to claim that you've looked at both sides and have chosen the truth objectively. You will then have the ability to instantly shut down anybody that picked the same side as their parents, because they're clearly brainwashed and don't seek the truth as honestly as you do. You will become one of the heavy hitters for your team. However, if you do choose this option, look out for the people on the other side who did the same thing that you did. They will be the heavy hitters on their side, and your worst enemy. Do not come into contact with them unless they don't seem to know what they're talking about.

The next thing to remember is argumentation. It is impossible for two people of different political affiliations to have a reasonable conversation, so don't even waste your time by trying. Anybody with different views than you have is idiotic, and should be treated as such. Do not, however, under any circumstances, explain to them why you think they're wrong. Insults are perfectly acceptable, but do not explain the reasoning behind your views. Instead, make it seem like your point of view is obvious, and anybody who doesn't share your view has severe mental deficiencies.
Alternatively, if insults aren't your style, you can, in some situations, have polite conversation with somebody of the opposing side, but remember that even now, this conversation is not meant to help increase understanding, but rather to show that you know more than they do. If they attempt to bring up a point, you have two options. The first is to brush it off saying that you've heard the view before, but not actually give a real refutation. The second, if you think you know that you're talking about, is to respond to their point, but at the end of your statement make it clear that you're not interested in a debate- i.e. that they oughtn't to respond to your response. This will not only end the conflict with you having the last word, but will also make you seem like the more mature person for being willing to avoid this type of discussion.
If all else fails, remember the most powerful tools of all: pictures and political cartoons. These pictures can be supportive of your side or detrimental of the other side; either way is highly effective. This method is invaluable in debates (especially online) and will prove your point once and for all. Anybody who doesn't see the truth in your pictures is beyond hope. Examples of such pictures can be seen below.

I think, therefore I am Republican

Republican Fail
SNOB: It's an elitist thing. You wouldn't understand.

Next, we'll learn how to do elections- in particular, presidential elections. First, you must look at the candidates from your party. Pick your favorite (or, if a few of them are so similar that you can't really tell them apart, a few favorites) and declare that candidate the only hope for America. Anybody in your party not supporting said candidate(s) cannot be a true member of your party, and is just as bad as the people from the other party. Be sure to tell them this. If you are a Republican, say that your candidate is the only one who can make America great again. If you are a Democrat, say that your candidate is the only one who will bring progress to our nation. (Remember these arguments; you can use them again in the general election.)

When the primaries roll around, vote for your chosen candidate, and see who wins. Regardless of whether your candidate won or not, the nominee for your party is the only candidate who can do the job properly. Be sure to say so as often as possible. The difference is that now you're not going against your own party, but against the vile enemies on the other side. You can bring in a few comments from before, but now you also have the opportunity to go on the offensive. If you're a Democrat, accuse the Republican of sticking to old, outdated traditions that have no bearing on our modern society. Be sure also to accuse the Republican of despising minorities and poor people. If you are a Republican, respond by saying that the Democrat is attempting to tear down sacred traditions without understanding why they're there. Follow this up by pointing out that the Democrat doesn't care about human life, the economy, or a solid work ethic.
After the general election, if your candidate won, celebrate, and ignore any mistakes made by this new president for the next four years. If your candidate lost, be miserable, and ignore any positive actions taken by the foul president of the opposing party. Go back to standard political participation until the next election rolls around where you will repeat this phase.

Now, before I end this post, I must speak about another group of people who identify as neither Republican or Democrat. These people claim that both parties are corrupt, or that they disagree with both parties to some extent. This is perfectly fine, and may be the best option for you if you have parents or other loved ones of differing political affiliations. However, there are guidelines here as well. You are now the ultimate debater. You seek the truth so strongly that nobody of either party can oppose you. But you pay a dear price for this power. Because of this insight that you have, you may not vote for a Republican or a Democrat. If you desire to vote, you may vote for a small party candidate that has no chance of winning. If none of the small parties or their candidates appeal to you, you may not vote at all. Remember that your opposition is neither Republicans nor Democrats, but the system itself, which includes both parties. If either party makes a valid point about the other, you must not acknowledge it, but rather point out that their party is just as corrupt. If one party does emerge as better than the other, you still may not vote or acknowledge that one party is doing a better job than the other. Rather, you must let the country destroy itself so that when we eventually crumble, you can say "I told you so." You must not acknowledge anything about the system that works properly, but must only complain about the system we have, while doing nothing to fix it.

I hope you now have a better understanding of politics and how you, too, can become an active participant. Remember, participating in politics is not about making the best choices, but about showing how smart you are. Mocking the system is not about improving it, but about refusing to acknowledge that either party may have a point. Once you've learned this thoroughly, you will be prepared to talk with your political friends and show that you're just a smart as, or smarter than, they are.

"Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it."
-Mark Twain

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